Category Archives: Humor

Can I have a cheeseburger?

.I’m just saying, I started out HATING this site, because of its stupidity, and because of how it says everything wrong about people who like cats, or even about people who like animals in general. About how we’re all morons who can’t spell and think animals are people, and how we love cuteness and whimsy. And I am a person who above all despises whimsy.

But I have come around.

I think I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGER? is absolutely hysterical, and that it has a freestanding charm, completely apart from cattiness. Almost everyone who posts to must be aware of its cornball factor, and yet they persist. This could only exist on the web — somehow thousands of people have agreed that Hollie Hobby grammar, and this ugly font, and pictures of animals just doing animal things are universally funny. And now. I agree.

Missing Mr. Shuffleman

My schedule has been a little messed up lately, so I haven’t been taking my usual morning walk and breakfast out. Well, strictly speaking, I haven’t been taking my usual short walk to breakfast. And, as such, I have missed seeing my fellow morning walkers.

You might guess that most morning walkers here are seniors, and you would be right. It seems that the older you get, the earlier you wake up, plus which, working people and students don’t have the time or energy to amble around while the sun comes up.

Since my schedule change, I haven’t seen crazy, ageless, anorexic lady (She walks back and forth across the bridge wearing a hat and scarf no matter how hot it is …), or Waldorf and Astoria, the two partially deaf guys who are in the Panera EVERY morning. Most particularly I’ve been missing Mr. Shuffleman — so named because he seems to have a hip problem that prevents his feet from lifting completely off the ground, causing him to shuffle (loudly) wherever he goes.

Quite neatly turned out, Mr Shuffleman always wears a version of the same outfit: blue shorts, white t-shirt, espadrilles and white socks. It’s not the same clothes every day; I’ve noticed that the shorts are different shades of blue (but, hey, if a color works, it works). And his clothes, even the espadrilles, are always clean. In spite of the fact that his spine is curled up like a shrimp’s, Shuffleman manages to propel himself at a breakneck pace. He has never failed to blow past me, even if I have already had my coffee. Since I can hear him shuffling up on me from blocks away, I have plenty of time to increase my pace, but it has never been enough to outrun Shuffleman.

Mr. Shuffleman, I hope you are rocking on. I will keep an eye and an ear peeled for you.

The Strange Tale of the Ocean Burgler

These days I can hop in the ocean for a swim whenever I feel like it. This is particularly nice in the summer when the water’s calm and warm and the sea critters keep their distance.

So imagine my surprise the other day when I saw a fellow in full-on wet suit and snorkel gear, swimming back and forth along the beachfront. Wierd — because you hardly ever see anyone in a wetsuit here, even on those few surf-worthy days. What’s more, the guy was just slowly floating along, about 50 yards out, not really going anywhere.

Then one of the lifeguards started to blow his whistle at the guy and gesture in an agitated fashion. Who knew … I had never even seen the lifeguards move before. Kind of like those motionless iguanas who sun themselves on the rocks all day.

The snorkler started half-heartedly swimming downshore, but probably realized he was never going to outswim a rescue ATV. Accordingly, he made a dash for the beach. Dragging along, of all things, a fishing line loaded with what looked to be over 20 ocean perch or red snapper. Despite being loaded down with two dozen fish and wearing a full-body wetsuit, mask and snorkel, the perch poacher managed to elude the (now thoroughly amused) lifeguard.

I don’t know what rule the guy broke, if any. But I definitely felt like I had just witnessed the “ocean perch” version of the Seinfeld “lobster” episode.